Manitou Cliff Dwelling ...

Unbelievable 2010 already!

2003 - 2010 > 7 years since Diagnosed
2005 - 2010 > 5 years since last treatment

2010 is a big big year for me and 5 years after treatment is a BIG MEGA milestone for a cancer patient, unbelievable but then BELIEVE it! I don't believe in the word 'Remission' SO I SHAN'T use it!

I am still around standing, breathing, eating, and enjoying my life, trying to be as stressfree as possible. There are some inconveniences, there are ups and there are downs but the most important thing is my life is still going ON and I hope to continue doing it. What did I do right? I don't know but then I gave up a part of my life to continue LIVING. I gave up 'working', the 'I want to prove that I can live a normal life attitude' and I just relax and do nothing, but just keep myself and my husband happy. Today I am here standing and happy!

Pray hard my scan will be successful in 2010 and my hubby will have a big pressie for me in 2011!

Will try to update again in JUNE for my next scan and doctor's appointment.

Behind me is the Mexican Meditarrean, yup I start 2010 with a trip to Cancun, Mexico! (All thanks from Huby)

Adios ~

Happy new year to all who still comes round here to take a look ...

Chemotherapy - 8 sessions in total.

Initially 6 Session of CHOP Chemotherapy was decided. The CHO represent 3 different Medicine for IV Drip. So one hour for 1 bag, total 3 hour of drip per therapy. P stands for Prednisoine (Steriod) a oral medicine.

During my Chemotherapy days, I didn't suffered much but I have got a slight complications, there is a clot somewhere and I have to take a blood thinner meds so that my arm doesn't swell up. Still, my side symptons was bearable. I didn't vomit much, I still ate and I didn't have the headache, the stomach or whatever. Just the usual symptons at a pain level maybe of 3/10?

My voice slightly came back in July 2003, I was ectastic because it only meant that the tumour is shrinking and returning my voice back to me.

In August 2003, after my 4th Chemotherapy, I was informed that The lump has reduce to 4 x 3cm. The doctor, suspect it might be scar tissue or I might want to do a Radiotherapy to NICK it at the butt. The doctor also advised me to go for another 2 more round of chemotherapy. But will only be confirm after I finished my 6th session.

In Oct 2003, the lump reduced further to 3x1cm. But because of these size, Dr Lim has decided for me to go for 2 round of chemotherapy and since the tumour is reacting to the Chemotherapy he spare me of going to Radiotherapy. (WHICH i regret till today, I should have gone for it then ...)

With these, I go through Nov 03 and Dec 03 in peace thinking that the nightmare will end in Jan 2004 ...

how the journey started ...

6 months before diagnosis, I would frequently feel breathless, I was weak always falling sick. And in one month I would visit a GP as many as 3times a month, this is ALOT for a normal being. But I keep having this tightness in my chest and I felt breathless; I would think that my bronchitis is coming back.

And that period was when SARS breakout throughout S.E.A, Doctors will always dismissed my symptons (to the extend of suspecting whether I just wanted MC to get out of JOB) so I keep on taking inhaler and prednisolone for my asthma.

I took so much medicines, my body was sending out signals to me. There was once I felt delirious and fainted at YQ house. A normal person don't just start feeling delirious and fainted. On that fateful day, I kept telling YQ I am seeing stars, feeling faint surfing the internet. I thought I overwork and was tired. But when I shifted myself to the bed, I start mumbling to YQ that I have a stomachache andI needed to go to the toilet immediately. I guess YQ senses that something was not right and walked me over, the next thing I know, I ZONE out. And when I wake from my spells, I felt naseous and I was lying in the kitchen next to the sink till the next day morning and I still muster the strenght to go to work.

The last straw came when I wake up one day without ANY VOICE, I thought it was sore throat and went to see a doctore for it. As usual, a prescription and I was sent home. It was until today I realised why didn't the doctor checked me for any ENLARGE lymph nodes for other sympton?? Anwway, Later in the afternoon, I felt a lump in my neck the size and texture like a golf ball, it was HARD FIXed lump and not a soft lump. I called my parents about it, and waited till the evening before I decide to go to the A&E.

At that moment in time; SGH, Tan Tock Seng hospital are INFECTED with SARS. And that is why I am in NUH!

After the X-ray, I am followed by a series of whirlwind, up and down relationship with NHL starts ...

I was initially send to ENT and wasted 2 weeks there, and later on send to the Cardiology department and wasted another 2 weeks before a Senior Dr decided to biopsy me.

It was a day surgery and I was awake throughout the surgery, and the doctor confirmed with me IMMEDIATELY that it was cancer but have to wait for the result to come in to confirm which I have.

Another 2 weeks later I am directed to the cancer center to Dr Lim Hong Liang ~

At that period it was tough to get INTO a hospital. Those who GOT IN, sick or not have to wear a mask and do a temperature testing at the front gate of the hospital. And most of the time ONLY the sick can get INTO the hospital. So most of the time, I go for checkup alone or with my brother. Because at that time YQ is only my boyfriend so if he were to go with me, he got to WAIT OUTSIDE.
I still remember there were times, my brother has to sneak his pass for YQ so that he can come and take a look at the ugly me. I was in and out so many times and was suffering, I couldn't remember ALOT of what happen then. I remember there was once, I had a fever and it was COMMON because of the chemotherapy and guess what the people at the DOOR refused ENTRY for me!!! I got to secretly buy COLD water and take the temperature and fake MYSELF into the hospital!!
I never really didn't have a chance and the time to absorbed what happen at that period of time. Everything was so URGENT after the confirm diagnosis. I was put on PRIORITY. Maybe, I try not to make sense of what happening and sometime, I try to think as OTHER it is NOT me.
Maybe I have never accepted the fact it happen and everything was automatically blocked out.

Until today 5 years later, I am still asking myself DID all these REALLY happen to me? Seems so surreal, like a Nightmare woken up.

Miracle and me.

My Doctor that commented, I am a 'Miracle Case'.
Why? Because,
I have been through

2003 08x CHOP
2004 03x RICE
2004 01x Allogenic Stem Cell Transplant
2005 28x Radiotherapy session

And still Happy Kicking and Alive after 6 years.

She explained that,
People with such agressive tumour and with the many times of relapse but still surviving till now, I belong to a small minority.
Survival rate for my case is 10%.

I gave her so much happiness hahaha.

I hope I give people HOPE for patients who have failed CHOP ...

It has never cross my mind that I am a 'miracle'
But I just want to live, so matter how hard, how tired, how painful, how depressing.
I kept my morale high, and EAT EAT EAT!

There are truly miracles on earth and it actually happen to me.
Keep your spirit high, and you will truly see miracle.

2003 - Prologue? Before Chemo starts ~

I didn't have any Digital camera then and these few pictures that I hava are from my brother cheeze camera!! hahaha ... It was like a ONE point something megapixel camera.

A typical checkup day before chemotherapy. I can't remember what kinda of medicines I am waiting for but my brother was VERY FREE so he accompany me to the Clinic whenever possible :)

And DUE to the SARs Outbreak in various hospital, we have to wear the MASK as a precaution. It was SUPER DUPER uncomfortable wearing the Mask as it fogs my spectacle!!
The Chinese Physician I visited. He was a 50+ Chubby uncle. But he was very high tech, he used a Digital camera to take down all my VISIBLE symptons (eg. the rashes on my arm and leg) and upload immediately into his PC. I am amused yet AMAZED! But his meds was YUCKY and expensive but I manage to take it for the first half year and stopped it when my chemotherapy proof Useless ~
One of the last SUSHI meals I were to have before my chemotherapy. SUSHI was my favoritest food in the WORLD! And typically when a person is doing chemo, their defense are low so RAW fish is a BIG NO NO ~
At those points in life I am still in shock and I guess 'REALITY' has really yet to SET in.

UP Until now, everything seems like a blur to me especially the first few week before the actual diagnosis is made ...

I was rushing for different hospital appointments in different places, and there was my great-grandmother funeral, and my work commitment etc.

These are some of what I have written when I decided to start my a blog when it all started :

New phase of my life
I decided to start this cos this is now a new phase of my life. I want everything to be recorded down and hope that once ALL this is over, I can look back and see what I have been through. I think this is not easy for me, and my family... I do not know whether I can go through all these...

14 April 2003
Lost my voice early in the morning when I was preparing for work, decided to go to the doctor. He claims that I have sore throat, gave me some antibiotics, cough syrup and one day MC. I remembered I was very restless that day because I have been sick on off for about one month already. I have seen 2 different GP for the past one month and ALL these doctors gave me antibiotics, asthma medicine, and cough syrup. In the afternoon, I can feel a lump swelling on my neck. It feels like a ping pong ball attached on it. And I waited till the evening before I tell my parents about it. 8pm, I was sent to NUH A&E by my Dad. Waited till 12 midnight before I see the doctor. An X-ray was taken, lump was found on my throat and left upper chest. A ENT Clinic doctor was sent down to see my throat. I was sent home and was instructed to come back the next day.

15 April 2003
A long tube-like thing was put through my nose and into the throat to see my vocal cord. The left side vocal cord was not moving. Diagnosis was the lump on my neck was pressing on one of the nerve and that why my vocal cord was not moving. I cannot talk properly and cannot drink water. I can only take sips and I have this hacking cough. I am suffering from migraine too at that point of time. And at night my shoulder is in pain (Think due to the bad blood flow)... One word I am suffering... The doctor also took some blood for sample testing. And I was scheduled to do a CT scan

22 April 2003
I went for my CT Scan but the doctor was scared that the liquid that will be injected into me will affect my asthma, I was again put on asthma medicine and schedule a CT scan again on 25 April 2003.

25 April 2003
CT Scan done.

12 May 2003
ENT clinic couldnt find anything wrong with me. I was told that a 8x6cm mass of lump was found in my left upper chest. Suspected that lump in the chest was link with the lump on the neck. I was referred to the Cardiothorasic Department (I dun even know what it meant)

14 May 2003
Two consultant was there. I was told that the possibility of cancer is very high. The doctor was optimistic, saying that there is a high chance I might have good cancer. And just have to take medicine and recover( I think he is too and over optimistic). The doctor kept asking me whether I have question to ask. I don't know whether I am too shock or whether I still have yet to accept the fact. I was stun, I don't know what to ask, first thought that came to me was " I AM DYING" but the doctor read my mind and told me " Although alot of people think that they have cancer they are dying but that is not true" Have the doctor answered my question? NO! I still think I am going to die and why do I have to die this way? The doctors want to see my parents. At that point I know it is BAD! and very BAD. He says that I might have lymph node cancer. (WHAT IS THAT?) Everything is happening so fast it becomes blur. I am still thinking straight I guess. Think the doctor is scare too cause I am too calm. Doctor ask is there any people in my family who dies of cancer. YES! my aunt who also contracted Throat cancer when I was very young and pass away in her late twenties. I was there alone and feeling very numb. I want to cry but can't. I was sheduled for a biospy on 16 May 2003. It means they are going to cut at the lump and take out some tissue sample for testing. In the evening when I told my parents, they appeared calm. But I found out, my father's mother dies of cancer and my mother's father which is my grandfather dies of cancer too. That makes three people in my family who dies of cancer. And why did the doctor tell me I AM NOT GOING TO DIE? Everyone who contracted cancer dies in my family.

15 May 2003
My great grandmother pass away. Again I was numb. I have not cry till now.

Worst part of the funeral, I have to repeat the stories to everyone of the family like I am repeating some movie that I have seen the only difference I am the lead actress. Everyone tells me I am not going to die, but the way they treated me make me feels like I am dying.

16 May 2003
My dad disapprove of my surgery and wants to speak to my doctor. I think the doctor (Professor Sim) was very angry.

He said " Do you know there are about 20 over patient waiting for me to do surgery on them and was put on hold. Your daughter's case is very serious that why I have to operate on her IMMEDIATELY to put her on medicine."

Bubble in my head " I am dying"

My aunt ask whether will the cancer cell spread if I am operated on.

Professor Sim " I can't say whether they will spread if they are operated on but I am very sure it will still spread if NOT operated on."

Another bubble came out " I CONFIRM IS DYING"

Another operation scheduled till 1pm. I waited and waited in the surgery waiting room till 3pm. A local anaesthetic will be given to me. That means I will be awake during the whole process. I am scared BIG TIME! A anaesthetician will be on standby if I cannot stand the pain, I will be put to sleep.

When I was on the bed in the operating room, there was alot of commotion between the doctors and nurses. I was lying there still feeling numb. Maybe they do not need to give me anaesthetic after all since I am soooooo numb. But still when everything is ready, my head was tilted to the right side and a screen was put over my should to cover away the actual operation side. I was given an injection. How many injection of anaesthetic I don't know cause I can only feel the first one.

Professor Bong " Are you ready?"

Me " HUH?!!! Don't you need to test whether I can feel the pain?"

Professor Bong press on the area

Me " I can feel the touch leh"

Professor Bong " Ya you can feel the pressure but you will not feel the pain"

Me " Ok then"

I look at the time 3.15pm. I can hear my heartbeat. I can hear everything. I think they have a feeling I am not hearing things already.

Professor Bong to the nurse " This scissor is not sharp enough hor"
(Are they trying to make me faint???? or is this suppose to be a joke????)

After all the tugging, cutting and stitching. I look at the time 4.00pm. (and they told me it is a 5 MINUTES process) I left the surgery room and join my Dad and aunt. Both the doctor Prof. Sim and Prof. Bong came out. It is bad cancer from his experience but he feels that I am still very young so chances of recovery is very high. He is again very optimistic about all these. I asked " Why do i get this" The doctor answer was sweet and simple " PURE BAD LUCK" I went back to the funeral. I am very tired, but I don't want to rest, I don't want to stay at home alone. I really don't know what will happen if i do that. It is friday. I am scheduled to see the doctor again on 21 May 2003.

I think this funeral helped me alot, at least I am busy most of the time, and they are people around me all the time. I have people like my cousin, my brother whom I can talked to. But I have to put up a brave front for everyone to see. I have to convince people that this kind of cancer is curable. That is hard. When I told one of my aunt whom is very close and adore me very much. I can see her tears at the brink of her eyes, yet I have to convince her I am not dying. That is hard!

I have read articles about Chemotherapy online. There are alot of side effect for chemotherapy. How long the chemotherapy last I don't know. But am I strong enough to take all these sufferings and treatment? I don't know. Is my office understanding enough not to sack me, I doubt so. Can I survive without a job? There is so much questions on my mind.
The funeral is over now.

How should I proceed with life?

Brief Chronicles of my walk with 'NHL'

Brief 'Introduction'

May 2003 - Biopsy and diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma, my experience with MY first Bone marrow Aspiration and my FIRST chemotherapy (CHOP).

Oct 2003 - Added another 2 extra session.

Nov 2003 - First round of Chemotherapy (CHOP) ENDED.

Jan 2004 - Tumour grown back to 6x3cm. Not responding to CHOP treatment proceeding to ICE. But amid all these I PASS MY driving Practical on my FIRST TRY!!!

Feb 2004 - 2ND ICE done in hospital. My bone marrow was harvested to standby AND the same month, ICE fail. Tumour was agressive and grown in new site and grown bigger in size 7x5cm.

Mar 2004 - Blood test was done to match with my bro's bone marrow and Yippee we are a match and I checked into the hospital to get ready for stem cell transplant by DROWING my body with all different kind of chemo drugs *MOUTH TAKEN*

Apr 2004 - Stem cell transplant done successfully, put on 7kg in the hospital and recuperation process start ...

Dec 2004 - Went back to work FINALLY!

May 2005 - CT scan done and it came back agressive.

There is a further increase in the anterior mediastinal mass as compared to previous CT. It now measures 61 x 48 mm in maximum diameter

My first Petscan and being referred to Radiotherapy Dept meeting my favourite Doc Michael back and I totally heart how he tell me

"AT THIS STAGE we are still FIGHTING FOR A CURE!"

Jun 2005 - Started the RT session and ended smoothly without any hiccups or side symptons.

2006 to 2007 - After these are all check-ups (initially was quarterly), and as usual there are the blood test, CT Scans and all these caused the anxiety, break downs depressions, FAKES scares, wasted tears (ALOT OF CRYING). It was a really ROLLER coaster that caused alot of emotion and pychological scarring!!

Now I am at a once a year checkup stage, BUT the PENT-up stress for once a year is even WORST! But can't complain much ...

Jul 2008 - Found a spot of 1.3x1.2cm behind my nose from a CT SCAN, suffered through 2 weeks to know that it was Reactive Lymphoid tissue and most people have that and it is more worrisome for me because of my history! DANG!!

Waiting for my next scan in Jun 2009 ...

More to come ... (pictures and more write up with my experience)