I didn't have any Digital camera then and these few pictures that I hava are from my brother cheeze camera!! hahaha ... It was like a ONE point something megapixel camera.
A typical checkup day before chemotherapy. I can't remember what kinda of medicines I am waiting for but my brother was VERY FREE so he accompany me to the Clinic whenever possible :)
And DUE to the SARs Outbreak in various hospital, we have to wear the MASK as a precaution. It was SUPER DUPER uncomfortable wearing the Mask as it fogs my spectacle!!
The Chinese Physician I visited. He was a 50+ Chubby uncle. But he was very high tech, he used a Digital camera to take down all my VISIBLE symptons (eg. the rashes on my arm and leg) and upload immediately into his PC. I am amused yet AMAZED! But his meds was YUCKY and expensive but I manage to take it for the first half year and stopped it when my chemotherapy proof Useless ~
One of the last SUSHI meals I were to have before my chemotherapy. SUSHI was my favoritest food in the WORLD! And typically when a person is doing chemo, their defense are low so RAW fish is a BIG NO NO ~
At those points in life I am still in shock and I guess 'REALITY' has really yet to SET in.
UP Until now, everything seems like a blur to me especially the first few week before the actual diagnosis is made ...
I was rushing for different hospital appointments in different places, and there was my great-grandmother funeral, and my work commitment etc.
A typical checkup day before chemotherapy. I can't remember what kinda of medicines I am waiting for but my brother was VERY FREE so he accompany me to the Clinic whenever possible :)
And DUE to the SARs Outbreak in various hospital, we have to wear the MASK as a precaution. It was SUPER DUPER uncomfortable wearing the Mask as it fogs my spectacle!!
The Chinese Physician I visited. He was a 50+ Chubby uncle. But he was very high tech, he used a Digital camera to take down all my VISIBLE symptons (eg. the rashes on my arm and leg) and upload immediately into his PC. I am amused yet AMAZED! But his meds was YUCKY and expensive but I manage to take it for the first half year and stopped it when my chemotherapy proof Useless ~
One of the last SUSHI meals I were to have before my chemotherapy. SUSHI was my favoritest food in the WORLD! And typically when a person is doing chemo, their defense are low so RAW fish is a BIG NO NO ~
At those points in life I am still in shock and I guess 'REALITY' has really yet to SET in.UP Until now, everything seems like a blur to me especially the first few week before the actual diagnosis is made ...
I was rushing for different hospital appointments in different places, and there was my great-grandmother funeral, and my work commitment etc.
These are some of what I have written when I decided to start my a blog when it all started :
New phase of my life
I decided to start this cos this is now a new phase of my life. I want everything to be recorded down and hope that once ALL this is over, I can look back and see what I have been through. I think this is not easy for me, and my family... I do not know whether I can go through all these...
14 April 2003
Lost my voice early in the morning when I was preparing for work, decided to go to the doctor. He claims that I have sore throat, gave me some antibiotics, cough syrup and one day MC. I remembered I was very restless that day because I have been sick on off for about one month already. I have seen 2 different GP for the past one month and ALL these doctors gave me antibiotics, asthma medicine, and cough syrup. In the afternoon, I can feel a lump swelling on my neck. It feels like a ping pong ball attached on it. And I waited till the evening before I tell my parents about it. 8pm, I was sent to NUH A&E by my Dad. Waited till 12 midnight before I see the doctor. An X-ray was taken, lump was found on my throat and left upper chest. A ENT Clinic doctor was sent down to see my throat. I was sent home and was instructed to come back the next day.
15 April 2003
A long tube-like thing was put through my nose and into the throat to see my vocal cord. The left side vocal cord was not moving. Diagnosis was the lump on my neck was pressing on one of the nerve and that why my vocal cord was not moving. I cannot talk properly and cannot drink water. I can only take sips and I have this hacking cough. I am suffering from migraine too at that point of time. And at night my shoulder is in pain (Think due to the bad blood flow)... One word I am suffering... The doctor also took some blood for sample testing. And I was scheduled to do a CT scan
22 April 2003
I went for my CT Scan but the doctor was scared that the liquid that will be injected into me will affect my asthma, I was again put on asthma medicine and schedule a CT scan again on 25 April 2003.
25 April 2003
CT Scan done.
12 May 2003
ENT clinic couldnt find anything wrong with me. I was told that a 8x6cm mass of lump was found in my left upper chest. Suspected that lump in the chest was link with the lump on the neck. I was referred to the Cardiothorasic Department (I dun even know what it meant)
14 May 2003
Two consultant was there. I was told that the possibility of cancer is very high. The doctor was optimistic, saying that there is a high chance I might have good cancer. And just have to take medicine and recover( I think he is too and over optimistic). The doctor kept asking me whether I have question to ask. I don't know whether I am too shock or whether I still have yet to accept the fact. I was stun, I don't know what to ask, first thought that came to me was " I AM DYING" but the doctor read my mind and told me " Although alot of people think that they have cancer they are dying but that is not true" Have the doctor answered my question? NO! I still think I am going to die and why do I have to die this way? The doctors want to see my parents. At that point I know it is BAD! and very BAD. He says that I might have lymph node cancer. (WHAT IS THAT?) Everything is happening so fast it becomes blur. I am still thinking straight I guess. Think the doctor is scare too cause I am too calm. Doctor ask is there any people in my family who dies of cancer. YES! my aunt who also contracted Throat cancer when I was very young and pass away in her late twenties. I was there alone and feeling very numb. I want to cry but can't. I was sheduled for a biospy on 16 May 2003. It means they are going to cut at the lump and take out some tissue sample for testing. In the evening when I told my parents, they appeared calm. But I found out, my father's mother dies of cancer and my mother's father which is my grandfather dies of cancer too. That makes three people in my family who dies of cancer. And why did the doctor tell me I AM NOT GOING TO DIE? Everyone who contracted cancer dies in my family.
15 May 2003
My great grandmother pass away. Again I was numb. I have not cry till now.
Worst part of the funeral, I have to repeat the stories to everyone of the family like I am repeating some movie that I have seen the only difference I am the lead actress. Everyone tells me I am not going to die, but the way they treated me make me feels like I am dying.
16 May 2003
My dad disapprove of my surgery and wants to speak to my doctor. I think the doctor (Professor Sim) was very angry.
He said " Do you know there are about 20 over patient waiting for me to do surgery on them and was put on hold. Your daughter's case is very serious that why I have to operate on her IMMEDIATELY to put her on medicine."
Bubble in my head " I am dying"
My aunt ask whether will the cancer cell spread if I am operated on.
Professor Sim " I can't say whether they will spread if they are operated on but I am very sure it will still spread if NOT operated on."
Another bubble came out " I CONFIRM IS DYING"
Another operation scheduled till 1pm. I waited and waited in the surgery waiting room till 3pm. A local anaesthetic will be given to me. That means I will be awake during the whole process. I am scared BIG TIME! A anaesthetician will be on standby if I cannot stand the pain, I will be put to sleep.
When I was on the bed in the operating room, there was alot of commotion between the doctors and nurses. I was lying there still feeling numb. Maybe they do not need to give me anaesthetic after all since I am soooooo numb. But still when everything is ready, my head was tilted to the right side and a screen was put over my should to cover away the actual operation side. I was given an injection. How many injection of anaesthetic I don't know cause I can only feel the first one.
Professor Bong " Are you ready?"
Me " HUH?!!! Don't you need to test whether I can feel the pain?"
Professor Bong press on the area
Me " I can feel the touch leh"
Professor Bong " Ya you can feel the pressure but you will not feel the pain"
Me " Ok then"
I look at the time 3.15pm. I can hear my heartbeat. I can hear everything. I think they have a feeling I am not hearing things already.
Professor Bong to the nurse " This scissor is not sharp enough hor"
(Are they trying to make me faint???? or is this suppose to be a joke????)
After all the tugging, cutting and stitching. I look at the time 4.00pm. (and they told me it is a 5 MINUTES process) I left the surgery room and join my Dad and aunt. Both the doctor Prof. Sim and Prof. Bong came out. It is bad cancer from his experience but he feels that I am still very young so chances of recovery is very high. He is again very optimistic about all these. I asked " Why do i get this" The doctor answer was sweet and simple " PURE BAD LUCK" I went back to the funeral. I am very tired, but I don't want to rest, I don't want to stay at home alone. I really don't know what will happen if i do that. It is friday. I am scheduled to see the doctor again on 21 May 2003.
I think this funeral helped me alot, at least I am busy most of the time, and they are people around me all the time. I have people like my cousin, my brother whom I can talked to. But I have to put up a brave front for everyone to see. I have to convince people that this kind of cancer is curable. That is hard. When I told one of my aunt whom is very close and adore me very much. I can see her tears at the brink of her eyes, yet I have to convince her I am not dying. That is hard!
I have read articles about Chemotherapy online. There are alot of side effect for chemotherapy. How long the chemotherapy last I don't know. But am I strong enough to take all these sufferings and treatment? I don't know. Is my office understanding enough not to sack me, I doubt so. Can I survive without a job? There is so much questions on my mind.
The funeral is over now.
How should I proceed with life?
